It has been a terribly long time since i blogged. Busy, lazy and not actually having any thoughts in mind which i want to share.

Well very much the last point. Which explains why i created this new blog instead of using my existing blog. To be true to the blog's name, i'll rant all i want in here.

Had a terrible past few days at work. Very much my own fault. PMS maybe, cannot seems to control my temper. When the anger comes, i just want to cause damage to the source of my anger. Which as usual means i will suffer collateral damage myself. Worthwhile? Well, i cannot say i did not feel satisfaction or my temper lessening once i vent out. But even so, i know damage is done on myself as well. (Mostly how people thinks of me...)

Today after work, FN and LT suggested something about ice cream promotion, and feeling down as i am, i am more than happy to leave office. At least someone offered me company.

How come as such? I am not on talking terms not just with 2/3 of the advisers but my BF as well. Since he did not turn up for FN's housewarming last Saturday. Well to be more accurate, after last Friday's dinner at my place, my 'mood' set in. Should i say he is used to it or to be more accurate fed up with it. I really don't like that kind of attitude. It feels too much like running away or shunning trouble at the expense of the happy mood of others.

II don't know how to explain it. At times, i just feel like something is missing. Like when i see LT and TX together, the subtle but obvious fondness for each other, the low whisperings and understanding looks they share, the natural closeness shared between them, the constant smsing, being in tune with each other's life, or rather building their life around each other, it strikes me that THAT is how a happy and complete couple should be. I envy them that they are lucky to experience it.

Do i really know him or do i know him too well? After so many cold wars, quarrels and fights, is our relationship still intact? He is not a person without emotional scars, and positive as he try to be, he has his moods as well. And i cannot say that i understand them or know how to deal with them (or how i feel about them). I start to be more and more resistant and therefore lesser and lesser patient with his drinking habits and moods. His careless comments on the scenarios on TV reflecting his actual thoughts which seems to me that we are really not on the same frequency, what different mindsets we have and what little we really share. With all of the above accumulating, i don't even have say about anything physical do i? We seems to be drifting further and further. He is no longer patient with me too. Not surprising really, so i do not blame him.

Maybe I am asking for too much from him. Or maybe we are both getting sick of each other? Or maybe just cannot be bothered anymore? We start to see alot of each other's flaws and start to get impatient with each other over them.

I start to miss the initial stage. Miss the feeling of being wooed. Of being loved.

'Love', i still do not believe that 'I Love you' should be said easily. Well, if it is easily said, there will not be substance to it. I still like to believe that it should be said with feelings or rather when the feeling is right. Not just a random phase used to coax each other or said to try to get something. (like a positive response that would make yourself feel secure) Only when said when the feeling in your heart is right will it be really true, touching and special.

I do not know how to tell him this. Or maybe it is a feeling that comes from the accumulation of all our friction, and i do not how to form it into words. Or maybe i am afraid it will cause everything to really end.

Like tonight, after watching the movie, i feel that I am always a loner. I am most comfortable with myself. Cannot stand being around people for too long. I need my personal space. Looking back, i guess that is why i do not have many close friends. I cannot be bothered putting up a front and trying to surround myself with people. I am definitely not one who cannot function without company. I just need that few who can understand me.

Or maybe even that is too much to ask.